


Amicable Exes

by YourFairyGodfather



Series: Mostly-Gay Not Couple [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Gen, Humor, Team Crackship, don't you wish all your breakups were this hilarious, mostly-gay not couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-07
Updated: 2013-09-07
Packaged: 2017-12-25 20:48:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/957452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourFairyGodfather/pseuds/YourFairyGodfather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hmm, maybe Kurt was like, sick-sick, not just worried sick: his face was turning a weird color that Brittany was pretty sure was not normal." Kurt wants to break up with Brittany. If only he could be sure they were having the same conversation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amicable Exes

**Author's Note:**

> Finally pulling this series over here after three years, with the most mild of edits to preserve my adorably pitiful former style. I am so timely, guys, really.

"Hey San, It's Brittany. Call me back, I need help on my history paper. Love you!"

Brittany snapped her phone shut and looked back at the assignment sheet. She was supposed to be writing a 1,000 word essay on the war of her choice—like anyone would choose a war—and she was having some trouble. She'd thought she had a good topic at first, but none of her mom's gardening magazines said anything at all about the War of the Roses. Maybe they were too old? So instead, she had decided to write about World War Aye Aye, because it sounded like it probably had something to do with pirates, so Santana and Puck would probably know about it and could help her. Plus, she'd seen the Pirate movies with Johnny Depp in them, and he was super hot. 

Maybe he was a war hero too, that would be way awesome.

Deciding that she couldn't do any more school work until somebody called her back, Brittany sat down on the floor and started stretching. Might as well get some dance practice in while she was waiting. After only a minute though, somebody was knocking on the front door. 

Which was weird, because nobody ever came over without calling first except Santana, and Santana didn't knock—she just climbed in the window. Maybe it was a package! With that thought in mind, Brittany scampered to the front door and threw it open.

It was a package! Kurt Hummel was standing on her doorstep, holding a box. Brittany didn't know that he worked for the Post Office, but maybe he didn't tell anyone because he was embarrassed and didn't want them to know. He'd obviously put a lot of work into trying to hide it—he was even driving his own car instead of the mail truck and wearing his own clothes instead of a uniform. Brittany smiled sweetly at him. He didn't have to worry, his secret was safe with her. 

"Hey Kurt," she said, making an effort to sound normal. "Want to come in?"

Wow, maybe Kurt was sick or something. He looked kind of like he was going to barf. He must be more worried about his secret job than she had thought. Maybe she should say something after all, just to make him feel better. Before she could think of something to say, though, he spoke first. "Thanks Britt, but I was just stopping by to bring you a present." 

A present! Brittany loved presents. But…she looked at the mailbox. There weren't any balloons tied to it, so it probably wasn't her birthday. But Kurt might not know that. Unless…maybe it was a surprise party, and only she and Kurt knew about it! That was exciting. "Should I get birthday candles?" she asked. 

He looked really confused. Maybe he didn't know about the party either. "No, that's all right," he reassured her. "Coach Sylvester would flip out if we had cake. It's just a present." He handed her the box and followed her inside, sitting next to her on the stairs as she pulled off the lid.

Inside was a picture frame with a piece of paper in it instead of a picture. The paper was covered in lipstick kisses—"I did those myself," Kurt told her—and read "Congratulations on your Perfect Record, Brittany!" in big letters. 

"That's so sweet, you remembered!" Brittany gushed, and kissed him smack on the lips.

Hmm, maybe Kurt was like, sick-sick, not just worried sick; his face was turning a weird color that Brittany was pretty sure was not normal. "Brittany, sweetheart, we're…we need to talk," Kurt stammered. 

Brittany smiled. He was really cute when he stammered.

"Brittany, I don't know if I can be your boyfriend anymore. It's not that I don't like you," he said quickly, raising a hand to stop her as she opened her mouth, "it's just that, well, you're a girl. And I know you're into both boys and girls, but I'm pretty sure I'm just into boys. You're really pretty, and sweet, and you have fabulous skin, but I just can't do it. Date a girl, I mean. I'm sorry." 

Kurt let out a huge breath. Maybe he needed an inhaler? Brittany's little sister Megan used one sometimes in the spring or during soccer practice, maybe Kurt could borrow it—his breathing was getting kind of funny. 

"Brittany, are you listening?" he was asking.

Not really. Sometimes she forgot to pay attention.

Kurt dropped his head into his hands and sighed.

"Do you want a backrub?" she asked. Sometimes when her mom was stressed out, she would sigh like that, and Brittany would give her a backrub to make her feel better. Then they would watch a movie and eat ice cream after putting Megan to bed. But Megan wasn't home, and Kurt didn't eat ice cream, so Brittany thought maybe just the backrub part would be good. Or maybe not, because Kurt was giving her the same look that Santana gave her sometimes when she said something that Santana didn't get.

"That's very sweet of you, Brittany," he said, saying each word very slowly. "But you don't have to be so nice to me. This is me breaking up with you; you can be mad at me, if you want to." 

Now Brittany was the one who didn't really understand. Why would she be mad? Santana had sat her down at lunch and explained that Kurt probably wouldn't want to date her anymore, because he was back to being Super Gay. Brittany didn't know what made someone switch back and forth between being gay and being not-gay, but San told her not to worry about it. So she didn't.

Kurt was still looking like he was going to puke. And he'd puked before at school that one time, so she figured she'd better say something before he ruined the carpet. "I'm not mad," she promised, and suddenly Kurt looked so much better. Cool, maybe she should be a doctor or something when she grew up! 

Except…"You might be mad at me, though." Kurt looked like he didn't get it, so she explained gently, "I didn't know we were getting each other Break Up presents, so I didn't get you anything yet."

Kurt's smile was really nice. Even though she was a little sad about the present thing, it made her smile, too. 

"Don't worry about that," he told her, reaching back into the box and pulling out another piece of paper. "I got presents for both of us." 

He held out the paper to her, and she read it out loud: "This card is good for one his-and-her facial." 

He took her hand in his really soft one. "I made an appointment at the day spa for 4:00, if you want to go today." 

Brittany grinned. Kurt was the best Super Gay Not-Boyfriend ever! "Can we get our nails done too?" she asked hopefully. 

Kurt smiled at her indulgently. "Of course. My nail beds are looking a bit untamed, anyway," he said, examining his fingers.

Brittany scribbled out a note for her mom—"Boyfriend broke up with me, we're at the spa. Home for dinner!"—before following Kurt out the door. He was so nice. And really smart. Speaking of which…

"Hey Kurt? Do you know anything about pirate wars?"


End file.
